


Artanium Beer

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 06:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my crack stories. In this one the team drink alien beer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Artanium Beer

Ianto awoke one Wednesday morning at his usual time, which was 6am. He rolled over in his bed and bumped into a hot sweaty body which was, quite unaccountably in his opinion, sharing his bed. He was also lying in a wet patch which was very worrying in itself. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was the dark, now considerably tousled, hair of his boss, Captain Jack Harkness. Ianto jumped out of his bed as fast as he could and, under the circumstances, was not surprised to discover that he was naked. He hurried to the bathroom and some time later, having performed all his usual morning ablutions and discovered that whatever had occurred last night hadn't involved any penetration {although his cock felt slightly sore}, he returned to the bedroom. The man who claimed he never slept at all was still fast asleep in the bed.

After dressing, Ianto went to get himself some breakfast. While he was munching his Cornflakes and drinking his morning coffee he tried to recall the previous evening, with a total lack of success. It wasn't that he hadn't fantasized on occasion about having Jack in his bed. He had jerked off many a time thinking of Jack naked. The main problem was, however, that he couldn't remember even going to bed. He certainly couldn't remember how Jack got there. He couldn't remember getting there himself. He was just finishing his breakfast when Jack appeared in the kitchen doorway, still naked, and scratching his chest and yawning widely.

"Hi" said Jack cheerfully, scratching his armpits loudly "some evening, huh?"

Ianto found that having a naked Jack in his kitchen was very distracting. After a moment he managed to mutter "yes" although he still couldn't remember the evening at all.

"It must have been that Artanium beer" said Jack, helping himself to Ianto's Cornflakes and milk. He grabbed a coffee and sat down at the kitchen table opposite Ianto, still scratching.

"What?" Ianto asked.

"That beer" said Jack cryptically "it must have been that---that did it."

Ianto felt he had to come clean about all this. "I can't remember last night at all" he confessed with a sigh "I certainly don't remember drinking any beer."

"You don't?" said Jack.

"No. Perhaps you could tell me what happened. I'd like to know why you were in my bed too."

Jack suddenly looked worried. "I was hoping you'd be able to tell me" he said.

At that moment though things became even more confused because Owen, Gwen and Tosh came into the kitchen one after the other all looking worried. Owen was holding a damp cloth against his forehead. They were all swathed in sheets and Ianto was suddenly reminded of a movie he'd seen on TV once called The Mummy.

"Alright" snapped Owen, leaning over the table towards Ianto in what he obviously hoped was a threatening manner "where are they?"

Owen dressed in a pale blue sheet was not an effective threatening Owen. Ianto gazed at him blankly. "Where are what?" he asked. That sounded so wrong that he rephrased it "where is what?" he tried. He gave up then because that sounded even worse somehow.

"Our clothes" moaned Owen "and what the hell happened last night? My head is killing me."

"We can't remember" said Jack, and then he added "Owen, pale blue does suit you."

"Oh fuck off" Owen snapped.

"Ianto's got clothes" Tosh pointed out "we'll all borrow some of his."

"You need to wash first, Harkness" said Owen "you stink."

"So do you" said Jack, crunching Cornflakes noisily.

"You stink worse" Owen replied.

"No" said Jack immediately "you do."

Gwen was holding her head as if in agony. "Oh shut up, you two" she moaned "you're worse than a couple of kids."

"He started it" said Jack "he said I stink."

"You do" said Owen.

"So do you" replied Jack.

"SHUT UP!" Gwen shouted "IF I HAD A GUN I'D SHOOT BOTH OF YOU THIS MINUTE!"

"OOH" said Owen "temper, temper."

"Yes" said Jack "you really should work on that temper of yours Gwen, don't you think so Owen?"

"Yeh, I do" said Owen, and he and Jack grinned at each other in a way that Gwen found intensely irritating.

"Jack said we were drinking beer" said Ianto. He felt it was essential to change the subject.

"Oh" said Owen "yeh, it came through the rift. I tested it for days and it seemed O.K."

"It couldn't have been O.K." Tosh pointed out, with what she hoped was impeccable logic "we all have amnesia."

"I can't even remember drinking the beer" said Ianto.

"It tasted like any other beer" Jack sighed "beer is beer."

"Very profound" said Gwen "beer is beer and coffee is coffee and chairs are chairs and------."

"Beer isn't always beer" said Jack, instantly, interrupting Gwen in mid rant "it depends what country and what planet you're on."

"I didn't mean that!" Gwen protested "I meant--oh never mind--you're being purposely objectionable this morning."

"I can be objectionable unpurposely" Jack replied, and then realized what he'd just said and added "I mean----erm----"

"I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU WERE IN MY BED WITH ME!" shouted Ianto, and then flushed red and then redder.

"I must have had a great night" said Owen, ignoring Ianto's outburst "I was in the spare bed with Tosh and Gwen, and it's not a very big bed. I just wish I could remember what a great night I had."

"Well" replied Tosh "I haven't had sex with you, I know that."

"I didn't have sex last night either" Gwen muttered "so if you had sex, Owen, you must have had it on your own!"

Owen scowled at them both but said nothing because his head was killing him. In fact, he thought, if the way it felt now was anything to go by he would be dead before lunch time.

"I got fucked" said Jack, cheerfully "I wish I could remember the details. I bet it was great!"

Ianto leaned over and banged his head on the kitchen table, groaning loudly. Jack went on eating cornflakes very noisily and drinking coffee equally noisily, giving everyone the impression that he hadn't eaten for at least a year, if not more. Gwen helped herself to cornflakes and coffee and Tosh found some bread and marmalade and nibbled at it daintily. Owen sat down and drank three cups of coffee one after the other. Jack followed his cornflakes with three slices of bread and marmalade and more coffee. Then he broke wind very loudly and started to scratch various bits of his anatomy again. Tosh and Gwen moved away from him rapidly. Owen jumped up and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

"JACK!" shouted Ianto "STOP DOING THAT!"

Jack scratched his groin and looked innocent. "What?" he asked.

"All that scratching and wriggling about" said Ianto "it's distracting and disgusting too."

Jack scratched his head and then his left arm and then moved back to his chest again. "I'm a bit itchy" he said after a moment.

"You smell like a sewer" Ianto added "go and wash. Thoroughly. You never know, it might even stop you itching."

Jack stood up scratching his stomach. "O.K." he said reasonably.

There was only one bathroom in Ianto's apartment and it was occupied by Owen so Jack sat naked on Ianto's sofa and turned on the Television. He searched through various channels until he found a shopping channel. He watched it for a moment and was immediately overwhelmed by an urge to buy something. Anything. He couldn't find his clothes anywhere so he dressed in one of Ianto's suits. It was the right length but tight. He squashed into it and slipped out of the apartment before the others noticed and went shopping.

Owen eventually emerged from the bathroom. He looked pale but felt much better. He ate some bread and marmalade and had more coffee. Meanwhile, Ianto found clothing for everyone and discovered that Jack was missing. While Gwen and Tosh washed and dressed, Ianto searched the building for Jack. He didn't find him but he did find three boxes of Artanium Beer. Or rather, two empty boxes and one half full box. The boxes were outside Ianto's apartment. He brought them all inside. Then, wondering what he was doing, he took the empty boxes outside again.

They all stood and looked at the half full box of beer. "Shall we drink it?" asked Tosh. Her companions all looked at her as if she'd suddenly grown an extra head or something. Tosh sighed. "It might make us remember what we did last night" she said.

"That" said Owen "is one of the most idiotic, illogical things I've ever heard anyone say."

"You have had a sheltered life, haven't you" Gwen muttered.

"What are you talking about, woman?" Owen asked, glaring at her crossly.

"I've heard loads of things much more illogical than that" said Gwen "I once got called out to a disturbance and-----"

"WHAT'S ILLOGICAL ABOUT A DISTURBANCE"?" Owen shouted.

"It was at a meeting of The Flat Earth Society" Gwen explained calmly.

"Never mind all that" Ianto interrupted " we ought to go and look for Jack."

"Why?" Owen complained "he's big enough to look out for himself, isn't he?"

"He's behaving oddly" said Ianto "he said he was itching, for a start."

"Not another allergy" Owen moaned "that man and his allergies!"

Tosh suddenly handed them each a beer. "Let's drink" she said, and to their surprise she burst into song, waving her bottle about as she sang. She didn't have the best voice they'd ever heard so it was a few moments before they realized she was singing The Brindisi from La Traviata.

"I know this" said Gwen and joined in. Owen and Ianto looked at each other and joined in as well. None of them knew all the words in Italian or in English but they muddled along somehow. They were still singing it a half hour later when Jack returned from his impromptu shopping trip. He struggled into the apartment buried under a pile of bags and boxes to hear his team singing lustily -Ah! Let's drink to love's delight, here's to the wine that fires every kiss- over and over again. It was earth shatteringly awful.

Jack stood looking at his team and shouted as loudly as he could "SHUT THE FUCK UP-I'VE BOUGHT YOU PRESENTS-SHUT UP!"

There was an immediate hush and Jack was actually knocked to the ground as his comrades grabbed at his bags and boxes and bore them off in triumph to the main bedroom. Jack then noticed the beer box. It was empty. He sat on the floor and scratched for a while and then he went to see what the others were doing. They were all naked, which was the first surprise. The second was they were all on the bed together. They seemed to be having an orgy. Gwen had her face pressed up against Tosh's groin and Ianto was sucking Owen's cock while Owen sucked his. Jack watched for a few moments with interest and got hard and scratched some more and then removed all his clothing and managed to get onto the bed with his team.

It was somewhat unfortunate that Jack's method of getting onto the bed with his team involved launching himself bodily on top of them. It was also most unfortunate that at that very moment Owen came, and was just in the act of trying to get as much of his cock down Ianto's throat as was humanly possible when Jack landed on top of him. Ianto coughed and started to choke and at the same moment he came as well and Owen jerked his mouth quickly off Ianto which caused Ianto to spurt come all over Gwen's head. Gwen's head was, at that moment, pressed up against a particularly sensitive part of Tosh's anatomy, and she moved her head forward when she felt wet landing on it. This made her accidentally bite Tosh who came spectacularly, yelling in pain at the same time.

There was silence on the bed for a moment before everyone started to shout and moan at the same time.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU SHOT ALL OVER MY HEAD!"

"IT WAS OWEN'S FAULT! HE TRIED TO CHOKE ME!"

"YOU BIT ME! I'M BLEEDING!"

"GET OFF ME, JACK, I CAN'T BREATH!"

"MOVE THAT OFF ME! I'M NOT IN THE MOOD NOW!"

"YOU STARTED WITHOUT ME!"

There was a struggle as they all attempted to get off the bed and away from Jack, who had started to rub his cock against the bit of flesh nearest to it, which at that minute happened to be Owen's left knee. Tosh escaped first and disappeared into the bathroom to examine herself. Ianto got up next and then Gwen. Owen was pinned to the bed by Jack who rubbed himself faster and faster against Owen's knee until he came noisily, shouting out something about loving knees and making Owen and the bed even damper than they already were. Jack eventually sat up and started to scratch again. Owen got up off the bed.

"You have another allergy" he said "when we get back to the Hub I'll give you something for it."

"They used to advertise Artanium beer back home" said Jack, sitting on the bed scratching busily "there was a song----"

"PLEASE DON'T SING IT" Owen said quickly, but not quickly enough as Jack launched into the Artanium Beer song, which was luckily in 51st Century English and thus totally incomprehensible.

Jack realized that the words were unrecognizable though and drifted speedily into 21st Century English, which was a great pity for everyone. "Artanium Beer is the greatest Beer" Jack sang "it's made in our own little valley, it's processed by peasants from far and near, until it is blissfully fine and clear, and then it is sent all over the land, all over the Galaxy you'll find our Brand, so drink our Beer from year to year, cause Artanium Beer is the greatest Beer!"

Owen, Gwen and Ianto all groaned loudly. "I've never heard such rubbish in my whole life" said Owen "it tastes just like any other Beer and I still don't know why the first lot made us loose our memory and I don't know why its given you an itch either, Jack."

Jack looked up at Owen. He scratched his back with difficulty and sighed. "I'm not allergic to Artanium Beer" he said at last "I've had it before and nothing happened then. At least---not directly. I mean-----." He trailed off as Owen interrupted his faltering explanation.

"O.K." Owen responded "what are you allergic to then?"

"Hair" said Jack.

"HAIR!" shouted Owen " how the fuck can you be allergic to hair. Our bodies are covered in it!"

"Not all the time" Jack explained, scratching frantically "only when I drink Artanium beer."

Owen groaned. "I've never heard such rubbish" he complained "such utter rubbish" he gestured at the crumpled bags and squashed boxes which covered the bedroom floor "and while we're at it" he continued "why did you buy all that stuff? You said you'd bought presents!"

Jack looked at the floor. In amongst the rubbish lay a large number of women's panties, in various colors and sizes and styles. "I thought it was a good idea at the time" he said at last " I was watching the TV and they were advertising------oh-----"

"Oh what?" asked Owen, calming down as he suddenly thought that he might- he just might be able to use some of these panties--women like presents-- he mused to himself.

"I remembered something" said Jack "the beer. It makes me a bit-----suggestible."

"How long does the effect last?" asked Owen, smiling wickedly.

"Oh, not long. It'll probably wear off in an hour or so" Jack replied " and the itching'll go off soon too. I hope it does too, it's driving me insane."

Owen felt very happy as he thought of the things he could perhaps get Jack to do. Unknown to him, Gwen was thinking exactly the same thing and so was Ianto. Ianto however was picturing a naked Jack, whereas Owen and Gwen were picturing something else entirely. Tosh spoiled everything however, without even realizing it. She came back into the bedroom looking mad.

"I've stopped the bleeding" she said "I can't understand what's been happening though, no-one's ever bitten me there before. I'm never going to drink anything again that's come through the rift no matter how much testing it's had." She glared at Jack. "This is all your fault' she shouted "I'd like to--I'd like to-----you should get down on your knees and say you're sorry-------------no--------I don't mean that really----------I'm just mad------I-----please get up, Jack-------I wasn't being serious-------you just say idiotic things when you're angry------Jack-----please get up---."

It was too late. Jack was very sorry and he told them all how sorry he was continuously for the next hour. They all left him alone in the bedroom being sorry. While they were waiting for him to stop being sorry they found their clothing. It was in Ianto's cooking oven. The large one. They pulled it out and got dressed. Then they had coffee. Then they watched some TV. Finally Jack was among them again and he was no longer sorry, which was a relief. He had also stopped scratching, which was equally good. They all went to the Hub intending to try to get back to normal.

The first thing they noticed about the Hub was it was VERY VERY NOISY. Myfanwy was making a lot of noise and it sounded as if she had friends over for a party. There was also pterodactyl detritus all over the place. They looked up toward Myfanwy's nest to see what the noise was. Under the circumstances they were surprisingly calm when they saw five small shrieking heads poking out of the nest.

"Oh" said Jack "I forgot to mention something else about the beer."

"WHAT?" shouted Owen, Gwen, Tosh and Ianto above the noise of baby pterodactyls screaming.

"You should never ever give it to anything not human" said Jack.

"WHY NOT?" shouted his team.

"It makes them---erm---reproduce--er---they clone themselves" Jack explained "so now we have six Myfanwys."

It was some ten weeks later that Owen gave Jack a medical check up because he was feeling unwell and, especially, was throwing up every morning. It was with some alarm that Owen explained carefully to Jack that he seemed to be pregnant. Jack didn't seem surprised. After all, he wasn't really quite human any more was he? 

THE END.


End file.
